I Refuse to Accept Your Insinuation...

Our cars are built with turning signals and we are given the ability to speak for a reason. At least with someone who insinuates with their body language I can stop them and ask them a direct question…but for those out there who like to slow down or straddle the lines separating the lanes when they drive in order to let someone know that you want to merge, instead of signaling…I refuse to accept your insinuation! I may not signal for the full three seconds required, but I will at least let the other drivers know what I am thinking when I am trying to merge!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvaKetFv12g

When I am driving, I am already focusing on what I am doing; now you expect me to guess what you are thinking?! How hard is it to lift your finger and turn on your blinker? I see so many drivers being overly stressed over merging and I would accommodate their needs more if I knew what their intentions are! Or if I am going to turn left at a two way stop with my signal flashing and you are coming my way knowing that you are going to turn (so I don’t have to wait for you to pass)…turn on your signal! The earlier the better!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uciCJJB49jg&feature=related

This goes for anything in life in my opinion…why not just say what we mean? I understand that in business or in situations where you are asking for someone with authority over you for something, it may not be best to be too direct…but when we are just interacting with each other as human beings, why not be direct? I have always been terrible with this as it relates to dating and having a relationship. If I liked someone, I would tell them that I liked them…otherwise it would drive me crazy…at the same time, I wanted to know what they thought of me. So if I had my way, there would be no insinuation amongst people who speak the same language…seems pretty inefficient to me.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZPEoskAMEY&feature=related

So ladies (of course my wife excluded), if you want us to do the dishes for you, don’t get pouty when you don’t ask us to do it and they don’t get done. Don’t tell us that you want us “to want to do the dishes for you”. In my opinion, you are just being lazy in wanting everyone to know what you are thinking and aren’t taking the perception of others into account. Once again, I refuse to accept your insinuation…

Example of washing dishes insinuation from "The Break Up"...
http://www.hulu.com/embed/HWT2yjuanjvNQwpcNkzI1A

King

People, Focus Technology Properly!

“Yes before I fill up my car, I would like to prepay with my card…”


What do we all do nowadays when we go to fill up our car with gas? I am sure you do what I do, in that I normally use my card and pay outside…which includes sliding your card into the reader and then getting pre-approval before I am allowed to pump. Well the other day I knew that I wanted to get some soda before I started pumping gas so I thought that I would pre-pay to be more efficient and have the gas and soda on the same charge.

So I go into the gas station and let them know that I want to pre-pay…the lady nods her head and I tell her that I am going to buy a couple drinks too…so I grab my drinks, place them on the counter and she asks me, “so how much gas do you need?”. I gave her a stunned and puzzled look…and then I said, “well I will be using my card.” She says, “yeah I need to know how much you are planning on pumping before I can run all of this.” So with gas prices being so crazy, I made a conservative guess (I really had no idea how much gas I would need with how much was left in my car).


She runs my card and doesn’t say anything else to me about it. So I go to my car to pump but I have never done this before and I wasn’t sure if the pump would turn off automatically of if she would ask me to go back in and pay the difference if I went over what I had told her I needed. Some of you may be thinking, “of course the pump would turn off…if you have ever pre-paid with cash….” but I will cut you off right there. I have never pre-paid gas before. So needless to say I am trying to slowly squeeze out the last four or five cents so I don’t go over…then the thought occurs to me…

WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH I WILL PUMP?! When I pay outside I don’t have to type in how much I will need! I just run my card through the reader and they charge me whatever the outcome is! So why can’t they do the same thing inside if they have my credit card information! Don’t the people who setup the outside payment process talk to the inside people when they are coming up with their procedures?!

New Female Robot can Kiss/Hold Hands…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MY8-sJS0W1I&feature=related

…and I still have to mow my lawn? Who is determining the priority for new technology? Don’t try to figure out how to make a robot to keep lonely men from being social when I can’t even prepay for gas without knowing exactly how much I will need to pay for what I will pump in advance. Why not work on building robots to do our mining for us? Or work on robots to fish or anything to remove people from the dangers of some jobs that still exist? I mean…what an accomplishment! How about they spend more time working to create the new robotic arms that will be needed to build our new vehicles that aren’t so dependent on oil?
I am not alone here…on being confused in the amount of time people spend on different developments…

Seedless Watermelon? (Jerry Seinfeld)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36_8WEt8Mew

Learning what the whales are saying…(Brian Regan, Kid Re-enactment)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ohx4itihjAg

Peanut Butter and Jelly in the same Jar…(Brian Regan, Kid Re-enactment)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wshghaW7wAg

Pessimists Are Lazy...

In my book (about two pages, all written on “good” toilet paper), the hard way is always the best and most honorable way to do any task. (I am working on a long list of exceptions to this rule to be published later once I have sold enough of my book to retire) As a matter of fact, I am part of a group of people that are the toughest, most war-tested…(and quiet) people on this planet. “The peace-makers”/”the optimists”. Now I don’t mean to paint the wrong picture…I love to eat meat, watch/play sports, contain my emotions, make fun of anything cheesy and play violent video games…and I am married (and not in California or Massachusetts)


Oh sure, I could try take the easy way out. If you have no expectations then you will never be disappointed right? Wrong. No matter how negative you are, life will never consistently be as bad as you think and yet you will never be able to think of all of the many ways that you could be disappointed. So stop trying to tear down the rest of us when we are trying to better our situation! For example, if I suggest going swimming in a public pool, don't tell me of the average amount of urine that it contains and that you think it will be crowded! Why do the pessimists seem to come out of the woodwork when people are trying to think of something to do?

To highlight another point, being optimistic has also been given other negative terms by pessimists that don’t fit optimism (doesn't fit like George Carlin's role *R.I.P.* as the conductor on Shining Time Station…or Jack Black doing kid movies or hosting Nickelodeon’s Kid’s Awards…ever heard of Tenacious D?). Being optimistic doesn’t mean that someone is naïve; I know that everything won’t turn out to be as good as I would like…but I hope it does!

…the optimists don’t have time to come up with special words that are supposed to mean the exact same thing as another word already in existence…these are things that lazy people do. However during the time it took me to write this I have come up with a counter to the condescending way you say, “you are just naïve”…by my saying ”you are just SCARED and LAZY!”

You are like the pouty kids who, when they don’t get what they want…say, “I never get anything!” Shame on you and it is time to grow up. Life can be good and it can be bad...but it is silly to throw a tantrum. Especially when you only do it when others are around...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpSfThUv_pc

Wait…Wait…I Didn’t Catch That (commonly misunderstood phrases)

I Would Like that on the Side

My wife and I will go to fast food restaurants just a few times a month, and during these special times of Whoppers and Big Macs, I have learned to be careful what I say. I am a “Super Size” supporter (who has recently had my dreams crushed…curse you Super Size Me documentary!!) and now that I can only select a large, I find myself leaving these establishments rather peckish (look it up) unless I order something from the Value or Dollar menus (be careful to check which fast food joint you are visiting when using these terms, the people on register are generally one step from postal…this is the same when using the terms Super Size, King Size, Up Size and Biggie Size) to go with my value meal.


So…when I order my value meal (thanks to Darwin we now only have to say a number) I have to add the item I want…(spicy chicken sandwich…whopper jr….you get the idea) and then comes the moment of truth where I must choose my words carefully. For years I have used this phrase in restaurants (because it is on the menus) and everyone knows what I want or need. For some reason when I say, “and I would like a spicy chicken sandwich from the dollar menu...on the side” I get confused, blank looks at fast food restaurants. At one point of this happening, my wife got frustrated and told me to use something different because our orders through the drive thru were getting all messed up (we were getting additional extra value meals instead of just the sandwich, etc.).


I mean come on, what the (enter curse word here…unless you don’t curse…and then you will probably use some substitute like “heck” or “freak” or just change the whole phrase to “what’s the deal”)??

On a side note…with fuel and food prices being so high…feel free to buy a small fountain drink that we are accustomed to at your local fast food place instead of the large and refill it at your leisure. Don’t let these opportunities to save money slip by!

So…Who’ve I Got Here?

This one is used by one of my friends and coworkers. I love to give him a hard time about it. Part of our job is to answer phone calls from truckers who work in Portland, Seattle and Vancouver, B.C. and my friend likes to use “So who’ve I got here?” when he is trying to see which trucking company is calling him. Like my “on the side” phrase, there are times that people understand what he is saying so he continues to add this phrase to his regular rotation of things to say. However, there are many times (especially when is helping to cover the guy’s desk who controls Vancouver, B.C.) where the truckers do not understand him and he gets frustrated when he has to change it up. I don’t think they teach the word “who’ve” in India English classes.


The bottom line is, even if we are right…it does us no good to use these phrases if the people we are trying to communicate with have no idea what we are saying!! So shame on them from not knowing what we mean and shame on us for being the minority and expecting the general public to succumb to our will!

Hanjin this is Justin!

When I answer the phone at work I answer, “Hanjin…this is Justin” but I guess that in my excitement to talk on my phone I say it quickly. A very common response to my salutation is “Yes Jeff, I wondering if you could help me”. I know I say it correctly but I guess those I am saying it to are hearing something different. The name Justin isn’t a complicated one and is easily pronounced however, my pronunciation of my own name must emphasize the Ju- and I must trail off with the –stin. This is the only explanation that I can find.

If I have a bad day I am sure that a phone call may go like this…

Me: Hanjin this is Justin
Caller: Hi Jeff! Say I was wondering if you could help me…
(10 seconds go by)
Caller: Hello? Hello!
Me: Oh I am sorry I thought you were talking to a Jeff, are we on a conference call?
Caller: Wh-what?
Me: Maybe we should start over, Hi, my name is Justin and I work for Hanjin!

Or with my sense of humor a call could go more like this…

Me: Hanjin this is Justin
Caller: Hi Jeff! This is Joe, say I was wondering if you could help me…
Me: Sure Bo, I would be more than happy to help you..
Caller: No I’m sorry, my name is Joe
Me: Oh yeah? and my name is JUS-TIN, its nice to meet you!

Drew Carey: “Oh no! I have to say all this as we go to commercial?”


Drew Carey doesn’t have a phrase that is hard to understand but instead he tries to say a lot of words with his mouth without the cooperation of his brain…

Here are some examples of Drew Carey struggling to talk on the show Whose Line is it Anyway…

Ryan catches Drew in the act and the everything goes out of control
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqg6BNSUG5Q

and at the end of this clip…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYZ4YjBGYbo&feature=related

Ok just pick any clip with an intro or outro with this guy…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jg0Sl3inQw&feature=related

Therefore I propose that everyone adopt the saying, “he really 'Drew'd' that up…”

King

Welcome to My New Blog!

My wife was nice enough to setup this new blog for me to start documenting my random thoughts that I usually share with her. I don't know if this is an attempt to direct my comments away from her ears...but I have wanted to do this for awhile. I actually was a guest blogger on my brother's blog, although I have not posted for awhile:

http://edgewriter.wordpress.com/

So here goes...I am going to start this blog by sharing my previous posts seen on my brother's blog and then I will start with some new material.

Like it says under the title of my blog, I will only share what I feel is interesting/funny and sometimes I may be the only one that gets it, but I will make sure that what is posted is of quality. I believe that my thoughts entertain me quite-a-bit more than they should.

I have always loved stand-up comedy and I have memorized many different comic's routines. I learned quickly that when you share a joke you remember from stand-up, timing is important and how a joke is delivered is often what is funny...not necessarily what is being said. That is why you often hear, "oh well you had to be there". Hopefully what you read comes across the way I intended it to...

Please Help Me Understand This!

Mandatory seat belt laws – R.I.P. Motorcyclists

Evidently it is important to be safe when traveling by buckling ourselves into our vehicles for more than one reason…the life of the passengers of a moving car or truck is worth preserving…enforcement of seat belt laws improve the number of people using seat belts by 82%...but I guess the government’s true feelings about bikers come to light.

Click It or Ticket Campaign LaunchSpokesperson: The citizens of this great country must endure this new “Click It or Ticket” mandatory seat belt campaign to prevent casualties of those we love on our roadways…in other unrelated news, we are happy to announce a few more states that have removed helmet regulations for our biking community…

I am seriously confused as to why our government allows bikers to ride on our roads at the same speed limit as other vehicles (often with helmets optional if you are over 19)…but passengers of those other vehicles are required (if this campaign shows positive results and sticks) to strap themselves in to avoid fatalities. This means two things…either motorcycles should then also be outlawed on our roads…or motorcyclists are free to die and are not a concern.


I definitely think that it is smart to always wear a seat belt in a car so I don’t mean to say that seat belts are not important to our safety (mom, a reminder to actually wear yours), but the government’s involvement in this issue is either stupid or evil.

Just to get an officers reaction, I would love to do this…

1. I get pulled over in my car because I am not wearing a seat belt, but when the officer walks up to my window he finds me in a motorcycle helmet with leather from head to toe. Or in those states with optional helmet laws, I should be ok to drive wearing what I do normally...but seatlbelt-less.

2. I need to make a bumper sticker that says, "I am not wearing a seat belt but just imagine I am on a motorcycle".

Soda Pop Prices by Volume

12 oz can = 75 cents
20 oz bottle = $1.20
Liters = 99 cents
3 Liters = 1.20

I don’t mean to complain about 2 Liters of soda costing less than 20 ounces but I am just curious as to whose is coming up with this stuff? Is it the same guy that is determining the serving sizes on our products? Who eats just a few chips or a couple spoonfuls of ice cream?


So instead of saying that the price of a 2 liter needs to increase, I say that the price of the popular 20 oz. should be decreased! There is more plastic and fluid in a 2 Liter bottle so these companies have no excuse! Ok, ok…I know about the supply and demand curve in this situation…but it isn’t easy carrying around a 2 liter of soda…it gets warm way too fast…it’s bulky…and I look like a soda junkie!



Take Your Hat Off! You Are Walking on Hallowed Ground…

I like to call myself on old fashioned individual. I like giving up my seat for women, children and the elderly…or opening doors for the same. But out of all the traditions of our culture and etiquette, I have never understood why wearing a hat is disrespectful in some situations. A hat isn’t a mask or a disguise. A hat is often just for fashion or to keep the sun off of your face.

So why is it disrespectful to wear my hat during the national anthem or when I enter a church? I assume that there was a time where it made sense…maybe there was a time where birds ran amok and the hats people wore collected a large volume of bird droppings…I can see why a hat covered in feces would be disrespectful and should be removed…but aside from this scenario…IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!


By the way, if someone were to tell me to take my hat off because I was walking on hallowed ground (to set this up properly it is important to note that my hat has nothing to do with the ground…if I were being asked to take my shoes off, walk softly, or to tip toe because I was walking on hallowed ground, at least that would be in the realm of understanding..anyway…read on) I would respond with this...

“Shhhh quiet, QUIET!...(long pause)...sorry, I thought I smelled something.”